MARRIAGE IS ON the way down these days. More people are getting married in their 40s or older, or choosing not to marry at all. Two out of five millennials view marriage as an outdated institution, according to a survey. In fact, 3 of our sons (out of 4) with the eldest almost 45 years old, are still unmarried (but living in with a partner).
But recently marriage has been coming up in the public conversation in a more hopeful light. The social science behind marriage reveals that married couples are happier, attain more wealth and lead more meaningful lives than single people. There is no doubt there are a lot of problems with this institution but it has a lot of interesting possibilities that it has always had.
Science says marriage is the key to happiness. To live happily with differences, research suggests a less serious, almost childlike approach, infused with a sense of humor. In order to enjoy differences, in order to make living with somebody and their differences not just a viable thing, but a pleasurable thing and a kind of lesson in how we might enjoy it, examine it in the world. We have to understand that it has to be a comedy — we have to have a sense of humor. We have to feel that words, positions are slippery, that we are never really who we say we are. That we’re constantly being shown the ways in which we can be wrong. To notice that this is the pleasure and not the problem is the job at hand.
While asking people why they got married, survey said people would shy away from directly answering the question. They would say they got married because they wanted to have children or have stability — love didn’t come up. It’s as if people were resisting admitting that love was the basis of their relationship, and they were protecting their privacy from an outsider.
I believe that people think it’s shameful if you are happily married because the world is so miserable and this institution is full of terrible injustice and inequality, and it keeps a lot of people out. Indeed, people are grappling with how the ancient institution can adapt to modern life and values.
But there are signs that the conversation around marriage — and the negative views on it by some — is shifting. Scientists believe we may be on the precipice of a kind of marriage renaissance.
Marriage leaders around the world sense that something is happening with marriage. Marriage counselors say that marriage could be much more than an institution — a mindset of an ongoing openness to life and other people. Marriage is a kind of approach to life — it has to do with saying ‘yes’ to things, taking risks, leaps of faith and the idea of binding yourself to others in various ways. They think it’s an attitude, a way of doing life that understands one’s need for others that is prepared to be not independent, but dependent — to let one’s dependence be not something to deny, but to embrace.
No matter what the obstacles, I’d say YES to marriage all the time. (And one of our sons has also decided to take the plunge soon! Yehey.) By Manny Palomar, PhD (EV Mail December 23-29 2024 issue)
